At the coffeehouse, a couple that I usually only see on weekends came in. I love how relaxed they always look. Reading the paper, casually showing each other things, sipping their coffee. They're so cute.
And I'm the creepy fellow off to the side stealing glances time to time, thinking "oh wow."
If I am to be actually honest, I'm surrounded by heartwrenchingly adorable people most of the time. Except at work but we don't need to discuss that.
It messes with my hardened, world-weary demeanor. All the adorable cute people being so filled with light and air and not hollow like the cold caverns of my chest where my heart used to live.
You like that? It's called "high school poetry." What up, LiveJournal.
Can you have a crush on people who you don't know?
Sometimes I look at OKCupid, the dating website for horrible people (just kidding, all dating websites are for horrible people).
Don't understand it myself. All of my girlfriends, and flings came from the Internet but the Internet is such a foolish, inefficient method of finding people to make out with. Or "find someone."
Side-stepping issues and euphemisms are what is wrong with sex in our culture. You never say "I wish to find someone nice to kiss, have sex with, go to the park with." You say "I wish to find someone nice to go to the park with." We're all neurotic and defensive and most of the time, flat out lying to ourselves about what we want.
I guess I want to "find someone." And if we should accidentally have a hundred sexes all the time, WOW, how unexpected!
Anyway, OKCupid is neat because I can read for hours about desperately lying people blathering on about themselves. It's entertaining, though not very helpful for its stated purpose.
I've got a mild crush on one of the baristas at the local coffeehouse.
Having a crush on someone as an adult feels stupid. But no one ever grows up. People have crushes because they are restricted from acting by any number of social protocols. She's just doing her job, let her be cool and leave it at "thanks, have a great day."
Apropos of nothing, the capital letter "N" is a good structural basis for a person tying his or her shoelaces. Blur your eyes and look at it.
I've got entirely too many crushes. Luckily, I work with mean people old enough to be my parents. Because I couldn't possibly handle a work-crush on top of this.
Envious of all the polyamory people and the open relationship people. Everyone has circumstances but I can't help thinking "wow, this person can have that kind of relationship with two people and I can't even work up the guts to ask out one person."
What made me so closed off, caustic and shy for so long? What early rejection or hurt made me unwilling to trust myself to open up to people? Or to trust people?
/then I recall the traumas/
Most of my life, opening up to others has lead to swift rejection, mockery and condescension.
I did irreparable damage to myself in college when I "grew some balls" and "asked her out." [note: a series of "hers."]
So awkward, so obviously too invested, too focused. But I cannot help it: in my mind, feeling a crush is accompanied with the same emotion as being heartbroken. Because one invariably follows the other in my experience.
For the last three years, my brain has been helping me. I emotionally shut down when I feel affection for someone. My last break up was rough. I'm probably not capable of "love" anymore.
I got over the girl, but I never got over the defensive mental shutdown. I start liking a girl, my emotions begin to mute. Oh well, therapy isn't covered by my company's health plan, bye.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.