Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Darryl Ayo Brathwaite's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, February 14th, 2013
8:10 am	Happy Valentine's Day, 2013 In 2005, I self-published the first two issues of Little Garden as a pair of photocopied zines on Valentine's Day. I gave them out at a party at a friend's apartment in Hoboken a few days later. Little Garden alway has and always probably will contain love and longing as themes. Other things as well. But on this day where we celebrate romance and mock the unloved, Little Garden hums a little bit more on this frequency. It's been four years since my last relationship dissolved into nothingness. Nobody ever talks to me about my personal life, people somehow assume that I am okay. Which is frankly a silly thing to assume. Anyway, I've spent so much of my life trying to find some sort of companion because while I've been alone for the overwhelming majority of my life, solitude is horribly miserable for me. Miserable. I realize that I am pathetic and that most people actively avoid me. I realize that my personal support network is tenuous at best. I realize that I could try harder but I'm terrified of driving away the last people who tolerate me. Anyway. That's the life that I lead. Why did I start reading superhero comic books again in 2009/2010? Because indie comics are lonely. Everybody claims to like them and nobody ever EVER talks about them. I want to be a part of a community. I want to talk to people about what I read. I started watching popular television shows (thanks Netflix streaming and Hulu Plus) and now I can talk to more people than who I had access to when my primary entertainment was minicomics. My chosen field isn't good for my disposition. I want to talk, to discuss, to rant, to rave, to examine, to joke, to share and appreciate art with human beings. AnyANYway, that's why I'm posting on LiveJournal and not someplace where anybody goes. It isn't really appropriate in this culture for a grown man to admit weakness or admit to being sad. I don't need to wrap this up. Stop here. Ayo Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
7:29 am	Robot love Good morning, for all the women who fantasize about having sex with a car, we have a page by Ariel Olivetti's series Cable. The series concerns the life of a man who found this world so distasteful that he packed his bags and moved two thousand years into the future. Inexplicably, we see him having had married a woman named Hope which will be the name he eventually gives to the oddly-shaped infant (now toddler) that he's been carrying around. Also, he's half-Buick. In like 1989 or whatever, Jim Lee drew Punisher comic books and they were truly Fine Art. Last week I bought Tegan and Sara's latest album and I cannot even begin to process how much I wasn't into it. What happened to these two? Here's a clothing ad featuring Nas giving his dad Olu Dara an awkward hug. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 8th, 2013
12:20 pm	Scapbooking until eternity Comic book team: Brian Michael Bendis Writes the story. Stuart Immonen Wade Von Grawbadger Marte Gracia Cory Petit Pencils & inks & colors & letters The All-New X-Men: Pretty cool stuff, I enjoy this stuff. The immediate establishment of "New Mutants," Eva and Christopher as characters with backstories is my favorite part of this comic series. We meet these two earlier, in the immediate aftermath of their mutant power manifestations. Both of these characters just had their normal lives taken away in the blink of an eye. I'm enjoying their reactions. This New Mutant, Benjamin is a more reluctant signee to the X-Men. I expect to find conflict between him and the other two. I expect this will be somewhat interesting. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo The emergence of Jean Grey in All-New X-Men is pretty good because Jean Grey has classically been depicted as "the girl": mostly passive, pleasant and mostly void of a discernible personality. In this iteration, she is daring, forceful and a galvanizing leader. She's also seen more than any person has any right to see. She's seen her own death(s). xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Anyway, I'm a cartoonist but I've neglected my duties. It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you without some comics to step to. Came up with these vegetable houses a while ago and snuggled up to the idea. It's kind of cutesy, kind of Smurfy but I enjoy those sorts of things. Plus it gives stronger context for Little Garden world. These drawings were made with regular pens but I feel this responsibility to build up my digital drawing skills. Space in a New York City apartment is limited and I live in a space half the size of a New York City apartment. Hard to rid myself of my instinctive attachment to objects. Experiences are better than ownership. That's why I prefer the library to the bookstore these days. It isn't about money, it's about freedom from attachment. "The things that you own end up owning you." However, I cannot seem to force myself into taking the most important step in the process. The guy who said that quote rigged his apartment to explode. Can't quite get myself to the stage of disposing of these possessions. My things are bound to me, but I am bound to them. It doesn't help that public resources are so poor. Libraries have less than a bare-bones collection of useful books and the internet is frankly a total disappointment. One day, I'll figure it out. -Ayo Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (Comment on this)
Monday, January 7th, 2013
8:05 am	Master Splinter's Daughter Over the weekend, I decided to start catching up on that hip hop music that the young black youth listen to. Kendrick Lamar's album begins with a song called "Master Splinter's Daughter." Somehow I get the feeling that the kids are alright. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Stuart Immonen is the penciler for Brian Michael Bendis' fresh tenure as writer for All-New X-Men. Life don't get much better than this. In this series, Cyclops is the leader of the X-Men and the greatest enemy of... The X-Men. So. The X-Men send... The X-Men after Cyclops' X-Men. I'm enjoying this. I am a fan of this dude because he's a black guy. There's almost no black X-Men and most of them are dead. Go New Mutant!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo This is when I met Carly Monardo who immediately took a picture with me and Leigh Walton. This is the part of the comics world that I love. Walton sat me down and explained to me that since Osamu Tezuka, we know the peak upper maximum number of comic pages that a human being can produce in a lifetime. Therefore, comics should be measured in "Tezukas," which I immediately turned into "Tezukons." 150,000 pages is that maximum number of pages, by the way. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Decorating the Christmas tree at my beloved friend Michelle's apartment. That's Michelle. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo This is my secret: at work, I keep slips of paper in my shirt pocket to doodle at the drop of a hat. One 8.5" x 11" sheet of printer paper. Fold it in half by the width. Tear it across the fold. Fold it back and forth to facilitate tearing. Fold both halves another time. Tear the same way and presto: quarter-sized sheets! Now get to drawing. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo This one time, I came home to my apartment and found a Caterpillar in the front drive. Okay. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Then I drew Annie Koyama's Kickass Annie character. Happy new year, people! -Ayo Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 7th, 2012
12:14 pm	Sequential life Some lady, Lenny Kravitz and Demi Moore. The tabloids are making fun of Demi Moore because she was "caught" seat-dancing and I honestly don't understand what people find so weird or embarrassing about that. I wish I was hanging out at a house party with Lenny Kravitz and Demi Moore :) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I wrote about this cartoonist, [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<a http://">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] <p> </p><p><img src="http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/nervousystem/5636249/81295/81295_original.jpg"></p><p>Some lady, Lenny Kravitz and Demi Moore.</p><p>The tabloids are making fun of Demi Moore because she was "caught" seat-dancing and I honestly don't understand what people find so weird or embarrassing about that. I wish I was hanging out at a house party with Lenny Kravitz and Demi Moore :)</p><p>xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo<br></p><p><img src="http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/nervousystem/5636249/81414/81414_original.jpg"></p><p><br>I wrote about this cartoonist, <a href="<a href="http://">http://comixcube.com/2012/12/07/dating-ironically/</a>">Simon Hanselmann on Comix Cube</a>, the website that my friends and I put together to talk about comics. </p><p>Whenever I can, I try to schedule my posts for Fridays so that I can call my feature "Freestyle Friday." Because I grew up on rap and hip hop culture.<br></p><p><img src="http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/nervousystem/5636249/81708/81708_original.jpg"></p><p><br>xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo</p><p>Sometimes I have a passing thought which reminds me that I am not a romantic person in any way. </p><p></p><p><lj-cut text="Read more..."></p><p><img src="http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/nervousystem/5636249/81940/81940_original.jpg"></p><p><br>This is the cover of a pornographic comic book that Brandon Graham did the cover to.<br></p><p><img src="http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/nervousystem/5636249/82239/82239_original.jpg"></p><p><br>Simon Hanselmann again.<br></lj-cut></p><p><br>xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo</p><p><b>Being romantic</b>: </p><p>I was never romantic. I am thirty-one years old. Perhaps I will never learn to become romantic. I'm blunt and at the same time, I find it difficult to express myself fully. I have the exact emotional pitch to write about art and the wrong emotional range to lead a social life. </p><p>I wish that I was able to spend more time with people. I've learned that in these rare social occasions, a person needs to perform. A person needs to speak up and speak out. At the same time, a person must never reveal too much of themselves. All talk should be small talk. Platitudes and nothings. Never tell people anything about yourself. It gets lonely. </p><p>People-pleasing is its own circular logic.</p><p>You don't want to burden your acquaintances and companions with your problems so you keep your problems to yourself and so you never become close with your acquaintances and so you never reveal your problems. Replace "problems" with "hopes and dreams." Replace "problems, hopes and dreams" with "ideas."</p><p>So I pull out my computer-phone and type my issues out an place them in public, talking to nobody in particular. Then I lie down and wish that I could have opened up to my girlfriend when I was the type of person who had girlfriends.</p><p>Instead, our relationships are run like job interviews. What is your history? What will you bring to this company? We'll keep your application on file. So weird. Usually I'm the one who feels compelled to make some sort of justification for the date but the most recent getting-to-know-you outing that I went on saw the roles reversed. As I listened to this woman lay out her life story I got what I really wanted which is a taste of what it feels like to have someone throw it all at you. Not unpleasant; but hardly a conversation which sets one's heart a-flutter. This is nothing against the woman, she was nice and seemed like a terrific person to talk to. But if only there were a way to meet a new person and really get to know them, rather than going through the wasteful and excitement-killing formality of making a sales pitch or explaining one's resume. </p><p>When I was seventeen and a freshman in college, I remember well that every girl on our floor insisted that they would always prefer knowing a boy as a friend before considering dating. It seemed counter-intuitive to me but I'm a big believer in treating people as THEY want to be treated, to the best of my estimation. Spoiler: what those girls SAID and what occurred turned out to be mutually exclusive. Now that I'm older, I read blogs in which women insist that they would prefer that men approach them for romantic proposals head-on. If only I had been told this before, if only.</p><p>I'm not romantic. I'm friendly. I can chat with friends and I'm too exhausted to try making a big splash in a conversation. Gone are my glory days of dazzling turns of phrase or cool, detailed witticisms. I've learned to listen better but people are hardly breaking down my door to tell me their thoughts.</p><p>Oh well.</p><p></p><p><img src="http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/nervousystem/5636249/82637/82637_original.jpg"></p><p></p><p>-Ayo2012xoxo.</p><p><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Posted via <a href="http://m.livejournal.com/iphone/link">LiveJournal app for iPhone</a>.</i></span></p> (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 5th, 2012
8:21 am	Show and tell Starting a new sketchbook so I'm super glad that I picked up this sticker from Lala Albert at BCGF last month. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo This is what my cartooning career looks like. All of Little Garden, the original vignette series and the comics, plus all of my other minicomics. Puts things in perspective like seeing the Earth from orbit. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I'm watching a lot of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. I really like Nana Visitor/Major Kira, who has one of the biggest, most diverse roles for a woman in Star Trek land. I'm in the beginning of Season 3 where she starts becoming good buddies with Constable Odo and it's super awkward and heartwarming. Aw, space buddies :) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Brian K. Vaughan and Fiona Staples do a comic book series called Saga which was once described as Star Wars meets Game of Thrones. While those sorts of this-meets-that pitches always undermine the uniqueness of what is being pitched, the comparisons are at least... superficially... somewhat accurate? Shut up, Ayo. Anyway, I like this comic. It's pulpy serial adventure and the important characters have very believable and compelling motivations. And the art is very appealing. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I started drawing this comic about economics on my birthday, November 25. I'm still not finished because I'm not happy with one of the panels. It's only four panels, Ayo, NOT THE SISTINE CHAPEL. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo A funny gag panel from Brandon Graham's Multiple Warheads: Alphabet to Infinity, no. 1 which came out last month. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I looked up the aforementioned Nana Visitor actor because she's pretty. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo This is a column of panels from a page of All-New X-Men, which is ironically about the old-school X-Men. Drawn by Stuart Immonen, comic written by Brian Bendis. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I drew this a while ago sitting in this very coffeehouse. I was thinking about butts at the time. Clearly. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Comic artist Marc Silvestri's rough sketch for a Cyber Force cover. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo A bunch of my friends and I having Thanksgiving dinner (the new trend seems to be calling non-family Thanksgiving dinners "FriendsGiving.") I love these people :) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo An old single-panel comic that I made for my tumblr. I really want to go back to making these. Just the time, the time, it's always the time. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo An old try for a comic about my characters Lizzie and Angela as humans, as opposed to monster-girls. Still turning this over in my head. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Okay have a great day, don't let the people on the internet stress you out. -Ayo2012xoxo. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 15th, 2012
7:59 am	The Fall Of Comics 2012 At the cafe listening to an off-duty barista talk to the on-duty one. This girl kills me, she's a funny person to listen to. I wish I could be her best friend!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo While I haven't read Hellboy in a while, I really love the character. I have an obsessive wish that he was still a part of BPRD because I love BPRD and I like when characters are in groups with structures and values. My fantasy is the reverse of the American Dream of rugged individualism. In life I am a rugged individual by default, so I have a need to fantasize about group acceptance. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo There's a comic guy named Jesse Lonergan and I'm super jealous of that guy, he has completely cornered the market on cartoon characters dancing that bum! danceraday.tumblr.com xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Speaking of dancing, my favorite Kate Beaton comic of them all: xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo This is a cartoon of a series that I wanted to do. Well I did do the series but it was much shorter-lived than Little Garden. I feel that I might come back to this woman sometime soon. I feel that often, but I feel like I may finally have the mental tools to approach this material soon. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Here is a page from the most recent New York City Comics Jam. The order is Cheese Hasselberger, myself (Darryl Ayo) and Dave McKenna. The strip is making fun of our pals Kevin Colden and Miss Lasko-Gross for the crime of not showing up. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Sketching in isometric perspective. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Hugo Pratt with Corto Maltese. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Liz Suburbia did a drawing for Sylvan Migdal's comic "Curvy." xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Me, taping music off of the radio. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Twelve years since this, my first real comic. LET'S GO! -Ayo2012xoxo. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 18th, 2012
10:59 am	Ayo vs Ayn Rand Ayn Rand is a monster and a cancer on this society. Only the callous, only the cruel and sadistic believe in her views. She is a true barbarian, a true savage. Ayn Rand doesn't represent capitalism. She represents destruction. Destruction of the people who capitalists NEED: the consumers, the workers, the small timers. Let me cure you of your conservative views: if those people have no money, no jobs, no protection--those people will rob you. They will literally put a gun in your face. I've seen it happen: a man approaches in the night. He asks if I know about any jobs. Any kind of job. I tell him that I do not. He pulls out a gun. Most of you Ayn Rand supporters are not close to the streets like regular people are. Like New Yorkers are. Most of you are insulated from seeing the sadness and pain in a man's eyes when he feels even the most tentative idea of hope slipping away. Make no mistake, conservatives: these people will kill you. And they don't wake up wanting to but the physical pain of hunger and the psychological toll of failure is not a thing that leads to rational thought. You will never know this strangest of human interactions. When a crushed and defeated man turns to violence because there is no legitimate path ahead of him to survival (never mind "success"). This failure on a systemic level. This is failure that betrays every level of society: the robber, the robbery victim, the real estate in the neighborhood when the victim moves away, the police force who investigate, the city council and mayor who look at rising crime statistics, the people of the same demographic of the robber, any incidental witnesses who also decide to move away, the neighbors who are priced out of the neighborhood when increased police patrols accelerate gentrification of the area... Listen to me well, conservatives: you don't know what you're talking about. You're not in the world like we are. -Ayo2012xoxo. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 31st, 2012
11:31 am	Sex talking We are told to disguise our sexual intentions when entering a scenario which is entirely about sex. It leads to an inappropriate squeamishness of our own sexuality and also a general mistrust since the whole system is rooted in misdirection. "Guys are after only one thing." Pretty lazy truism. The underlying fact is that guys are people. People are after only one thing. Like when I was resigned to the fact that I was a boring idiot on a date until the lady planted the kiss of all kisses right on me. But...what did I even do? Nothing! I was incorrect in believing that dating was "just about meeting people" and "just getting to know people." In reality, it's about sex. I got the job that time. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Dishonesty about intention. Most people ask someone to go on a date if they find the other person attractive in some way. Physically, personality, etc. The person being asked may not agree but perhaps they agree because they are put on the spot, open to new things, bored and looking for excitement, genuinely attracted to the person who asked them. Too often, people agree to dates out of fear. That...is another essay. I'm sorry but that deserves its own topic. When talking about the other dating scenarios, the good ones, the proper ones, we are observing two people sizing each other up for what could become a sexual relationship. In the best of circumstances, we can observe two people actively avoiding the element that they most have in common: a mutual curiosity about having sex with the person across from them. There are some benefits to not leaning too heavily on sex as a subject matter. Namely, determining other characteristics about the person that could indicate suitability as a long-term partner. But sex being completely taboo is totally counterproductive. I met up with a woman at a diner. She was shy and reserved. I attempted to make casual conversation. Sensing her apprehension, I simply wanted to content myself on decent conversation. Nothing worked. She just wouldn't talk with me. No chemistry, it happens. Wrong. I contacted her later to thank her for her company and she replied with regret that she was just looking for sex. I'm like lady. Lady. Why. Didn't. You. Say. So? Check my references, I come highly recommended. If she knew how to talk--how to just communicate what she was interested in, what her intentions were, I guarantee you that she'd still be talking about that night now, four years later. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Talk isn't cheap nor is it boring. Americans like to say "less talk, more action" at a lot of things. Wrong attitude, Americans! Not "less" talk; how about "better" talk. "Talk" doesn't mean sitting at that restaurant table, hands folded in front of you, lecturing one another. It's about sharing. Dialoging. Saying something and listening to the response. Being forthright but not holding forth. Or holding back. Honest talk requires trust and safety. That's what the dating is about. Establishing that trust and security. Becoming comfortable enough with a person that you can talk about anything from how you feel about your parents to what you like in bed. It's really important in a way that just talking about your career or your generalized political views is not. Okay it's been a while, I don't remember what people talk about on dates. But I do remember that whatever it is, it never gave me the sense that I could truly share anything significant with this other person. So it progresses as two people fumbling in ignorance and often leaves them confused and angry. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo When it comes to sex, most people seem to follow a default social script and only deviate further along in an interaction. Which is a risky way to get what you want. There's an idea of the right way to kiss, the right type and duration of foreplay, the presence of "foreplay" itself, even the proper position to assume in an initial sexual interaction. It's as if sex is so big of a deal that you need to have sex with somebody ten times before you can break it to them that you would rather not be on top or something equally asinine. You should have told them the first time. Before the first time. Tell them that you need this spot touched or that joint licked or that you can't reach orgasm unless your partner rubs your feet while humming the national anthem. People are odd. Many people have quirks, squicks and idiosyncratic tastes that aren't going to be appropriately met by chance. Have you ever had bad sex? The kind where you're laying next to the person afterward like "well. Okay. Sure, I guess that was a good use of an evening." Or even sadder, Almost-Good sex? That kind is probably worse because it stays with you longer. If only they had done That Thing a little longer or whatever. Could have easily been solved with some straight talk. It can even be naked straight talk. Hum the national anthem to me, baby. I can only get off to other people's displays of patriotism. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Sex with different people should be different. Because people are different. If you do the exact same stuff in bed with all of your partners, you might be a bit bad at doing sex. Don't do sex badly. Learn what your partner wants and re-learn what you want. Your desires might change when you have sex with a different person. You've got to be honest with yourself and between yourselves. Somethings will be adamant for some people. Certain things are deal breakers. But it seems that those are the edges, the borders. Everything within that territory is yours to explore. -Ayo2012xoxo. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 30th, 2012
11:01 am	Taking back what was once mine Little Garden: 2004-2007 By Ayo Stumbling to my feet. Sniffing the air outside the entrance to my cave. Pulling myself back together. Getting prepared to be a full time cartoonist again. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I am interested in relationships: between objects, among people, between ideas and events. Juxtapositions and overlaps. Intersections and coincidences. Some relationships that fascinate me: 1: individual motivations. Why people or characters feel justified in their views. Why people bond or clash. 2: sexual. What arouses people or characters. What they prefer or reject. And why. 3. spatial. How objects in an environment interact with one another. Physically as well as aesthetically. How people or characters relate to spaces. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Sex is the most interesting thing sometimes, largely because it is kept mysterious. I am not even lamenting the private nature of sex; that makes it even more exciting, somewhat. That any exterior could be encasing an interior that isn't immediately apparent. That we all have something inside of us (even if "something" is "nothing"). This ties into exhibitionists being boring people. No mystery! If I were an exhibitionist, I'd keep something locked away. Always keep something up your sleeve. That's a rule. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo One thing that may be apparent is that I'm a talker. I like to talk. I don't date well with quiet, shy, retiring types. Say something! I dated a woman who couldn't articulate what she wanted. Except on Instant Messenger. In person, she just clammed up. See, the movie stuff doesn't work for me. Where two people instinctually know what to do with each other, how to please one another. I imagine that people who do the movie thing probably just have crappy sex with each other. If you're male and female and you sort of guess "well let's just take off our clothes and stick it in," you could be achieving the basic requirements for a sex life. But if you know how to talk to each other, who knows? Maybe you'd realize that you're both into the exact same disgusting thing! Or perhaps you'll discover straight away that you're no good for each other and save yourselves some grief. But that's my bias, talking. Not just talking; sharing, dialoging. Engaging in communication. Building on what is being shared. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Building. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Don't just talk to reaffirm your position and what you already know and believe. Talk to communicate, to give and to take. It is tempting to hold forth, to lecture, to soliloquy. Don't do that. As interesting as you surely are, you are going to become more interesting when your conversational partner(s) are able to respond, contribute, change the subject, expound. And if you disagree with somebody, it is important to listen to them. Too many people that I have met will simply demand a conversational partner agree to terms that the person never said. I've been in conversations that deadended because a person insisted to pinning me to a belief that I do not hold. It is foolishness. Shut up and LISTEN. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Listen. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo The most direct reason why active listening (including observing body language) is important to your sex life is that while you've probably figured your body out, you haven't figured the other person's body out, nor have they figured yours out. Not listening leads to awkward nights staring at the ceiling, wondering what went wrong. On the most basic level, people's bodies are designed differently. That thing your previous partner insisted on is actually painful to your present partner. Beyond body design, people's life experiences shaped their sexual desires and preferences. That thing that your previous partner couldn't get enough of and begged for makes your current partner sick with disgust. People are different. Some people like being tickled, some would break up with a person who tickled them. Forget what your last partner liked. Concern yourself with the person in front of (under?) you. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo People say I talk about politics too much. This is true. Fortunately I can talk about sex and it is the same thing, only more pleasant. And yet, more urgent. I talk about people's relationships to one another, people's motivation, desires, hidden feelings. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 18th, 2012
7:32 pm	College was a fairly interesting time. At R.I.T. (Rochester Institute of Technology) if you were an upperclassman and you lived in the dorms, you usually had a little gang. You couldn’t help it. Freshmen didn’t have full debit accounts and upperclassmen did. At the end of an academic quarter, you’d have money left over and it would go to waste and hell no, are you letting money evaporate. So you’d grab every freshman in sight and ask if they wanted something from the Whore. The Corner Store is the name of a small informal grocery store in the tunnels under the dorms. It was like a corner store except that it was physically underground and not on a corner. But it was that kind of place. It sold packaged food, cereal, ramen, ice cream pints, Sobe drinks, Pepsi (Coca-Cola was not sold anywhere on our campus), snacks and cookies. And all for the taking if an upperclassman had a lot of debit left in his or her account. Some time before I ever got there (1999-2003), The Corner Store was renamed The Corner Whore and then just “The Whore.” For no real reason, let’s be honest. Teenagers. I wouldn’t be surprised if they still called it that. College freshmen and sophomores are teenagers. It wouldn’t be uncommon to hear someone holler down the hallways of the dorms: “W H O R E!” This meant that upperclassmen were going to procure their ramen and Pepsis and snacks. This could also mean free food if you were a freshman. When I waved a bunch of first-year kids to the register (yeah, you can buy that, no problem) it felt like a full circle. When I was a freshman it was the same way. I was one of those kids clutching some tasty snack as one of the sophomores insisted “yeah whatever you want, I got plenty of debit.” It felt great to help someone out and like I said: that money was going to vanish into thin air if it wasn’t spent. The Corner Store was the best place to get rid of a lot of it. Some of those freshmen are still my friends today. At RIT, you might develop a small posse. A group of underclassmen that you could rely on. In my Junior year, I had a car. It was difficult to leave campus so if you wanted to go anywhere you needed to have a car or know somebody willing to drive you to the place. Giving people food and transportation is a bit like being a caretaker. But it is good to have companions and it is good for them to have food and fresh air. By the time that I completely left dorm life and college life, I was actually able to just round people up. I had myself a handful of henchmen. If only I had thought of some crimes, I would have been all set. -Ayo2012xoxo. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 3rd, 2012
2:11 pm	Calm on the outside, screaming on the inside This blog exists so that I can talk to myself. It's semi-public. The "semi" is the fact that almost nobody is on LiveJournal anymore. Hidden in plain sight. Comment or don't comment, it doesn't matter. I was talking earlier about my "real" blogs that seem to strike a chord with absolutely no-one. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo A bunch of comic books: The End of the Fucking World by Chuck Forsman Johnny Wander by Yuko Ota and Ananth Panagariya Monster Pulse by Magnolia Porter Uncanny X-Force by Rick Remender and whoever Marvel gets to draw the thing that issue. Love and Rockets the New Stories, though I'm only in the middle of Volume 2. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I went to see The Dark Knight Rises last weekend. I saw it as "a movie" because film adaptions of comic books are still films. Not comic books. I need to see more films that aren't related to comic books in any sense so that perhaps I can have some level of discussion about them. Everything worth talking about in this movie is a spoiler. So... xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo The Internet reversed the nature of things. Now everybody has access to everything. Being deep in the know isn't cool anymore. Having an encyclopedic, history-spanning knowledge on a subject isn't cool anymore. Now what is cool is being limited. Paring down. Before people wanted a forest, now the cool people maintain a bonzai xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Sex is stupid. Dating is stupid. People should just get together and have sex with each other and spend the rest of their days working toward goals that have meaningful impact on their communities. Dating is the stupidest thing that our society agreed upon inflicting upon itself and we'd be better off doing away with it entirely. Sex is stupid. "hey do you want to have sex?" "actually I'm late for work, give me your number, I'll call you after." Sex is stupid. "I haven't had any sex in a while and I was wondering if you'd care to do some of that tonight?" "oh, certainly, that sounds like a good time, actually." Sex is stupid. "I like the way you look and I think that you like the way I look. Want to have sex? My apartment is a few blocks from here." "brilliant idea, let's do exactly that. Sex is stupid. "I've got nothing important to do today, and I've always wondered: want to have sex?" "yes." Sex is stupid. It's stupid because our society has set us up to be incredibly dishonest about it and what we want. If you want to have sex with someone, you can't just walk up and say it. You've got to be coy. And you have to trick yourself (and the other person) into believing that it "just happened." How can it "just happen?" You arrange to meet a person on a pretense that society explicitly outlines as a sexual pretense. You focus on the other person, their body, their words. You lean forward to kiss that person--you put your mouth right on their mouth! And when you're at the apartment, tossing garments off left and right, you have the nerve to say that "oh, it's just chemistry." It isn't "chemistry," it isn't "romance," it's self-delusion! I see movies with my parents. How does the same activity become "romantic" if I'm there with a non-relative? I eat at restaurants with my friends, how is that "romantic?" Romance is a stupid idea and a fake idea. -Ayo ( Read more...Collapse ) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
1:36 pm	"Where is there a Chik-Fil-A around here?" A good joke told by my coworker just now. It's a good joke because it subtly implies the speaker's views on human rights and empathy. Slight flaw: it indicates that the speaker (my coworker) doesn't have much in the way of empathy. Win some, lose some. FYI, we don't have Chik-Fil-A in New York City. At least I don't think we do. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I feel my brain drained of happy chemicals. Just scraping the bottom of the barrel. Once again I get my hopes up to talk about something that I'm excited about. Once again, I'm left high and dry. Waiting on a conversation that never happens. Why do I care so much about talking? Because I hardly talk to real people, ever. All the people who I know, most of them are into comics in some way. None of them want to ever talk about comics. Or anything. I have just nothing. I type with my thumbs because my computer is an iPhone. I wrote until my forearm got debilitatingly sore. And I still wrote afterwards. My only tether to the outside world, my phone and this writing. No response. Vernacular insanity: doing something repeatedly, expecting a different outcome. That's not insanity. That's hope. -Ayo Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 1st, 2012
7:57 am	I went to France in middle school Thinking about my life of regrets, I remembered a girl from middle school. She might have been the first girl to think I was actually cool. She was really smart and liked to draw. Now I think she's a doctor or medical scientist but back then she dreamed of becoming an architect. We were thirteen/fourteen. In France, she showed me her sketchbook which was full of realistic drawings of houses and things like that. My sketchbook was filled with lumpy superheroes. It was the first time that I was at once impressed and intimidated by a peer's art. I couldn't understand why she was so nice even though my art was so clearly laughable. Back in New York, I had no ability to talk to her because it was against the rules. Recess was for football and football alone. There was no place for talking to girls because every boy was expected to be in the game. The other boys did not like this girl. She's pretty short but back then she towered over us all. I wished that I had the strength of character to tell the other guys to not make jokes about her behind her back, but I did not. I did not laugh, but I was too weak to protest either. A few years later, at a high school dance, a buddy caught my attention and introduced me to his new girlfriend. It was the same girl I knew in middle school, who showed me her drawings of houses in France, who tried to strike up conversation with me back in school, who always threw a warm smile at me... what can you say? Today they are married and have a daughter. They're scientists and they've been together since high school. It warms my heart. I never wish that things had turned out differently because that would be silly. I just wish that I had been brave enough to return her kindness back when we were still kids. The end. -Ayo2012xoxo. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 31st, 2012
10:03 am	Nervous system. My arm is twitching. I haven't been working hard but still repetitive stress seems to have messed up my nerves. Trying to cool it for now :( This is my buddy Lizz Hickey's inking-in-a-cafe set up. She posted this on her site yesterday and I instantly caught the fever! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I need my right hand for everything. Trying to type with my left thumb now. Typing is my only connection to the outside world. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Here's one of Lizz Hickey's self portraits. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Here is a strip that my friend Jenny Gonzalez-Blitz does. Her site is over here. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I knew naming myself "nervousystem" would end up awfully ironic. I knew it. My right forearm is twitching like I don't know what. Here's a really old drawing of mine: -Ayo2012xoxo. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 29th, 2012
8:41 pm	Sad/Angry Anthony Clark just posted this on his twitter with the message "GRUMP" and I have to agree. Anthony's website is nedroid. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo "Fuck fighting in the streets; life is a struggle." For some reason that line from Sticky Fingaz album Black Trash always stayed with me. In context it doesn't mean what I think of. But when I pull it out of context, it sounds like "don't go arguing in public about nonsense because ultimately, we're all just miserable. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo When Dan Nadel of The Comics Journal shitted on Secret Prison and Box Brown. Told those boys to go sell their boots to get money. That's pretty hilarious in a rapper kind of way but on a human level, it's vicious and uncalled for. It's definitely at-a-party talk when you're complaining about a person who is not present. But all in all (not being Ian Harker or Box Brown), I want to consider any dialogue in the artcomics community to be a net positive. Because our community never talks. We silently brood and resentment festers. Perhaps a public act of cruelty and outright savagery is what is needed to get us talking as a community. But it didn't happen to me. If that had been me, I would be pissed. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo This weekend was a wash. I was so angry and frustrated after work on Friday that I basically took that evening off. On Saturday I took in a matinee at the cinema. Then, I slept. The only other thing I managed to do was go to the comic store. Which I did out of a loss for things to do. Today, Sunday, I didn't even leave my house until after 6pm. And I'm back home again. My friends, my friends are such nice people. But so very busy. I'm running on empty. I cannot focus without some social input. I need to be with people. I cannot be this lonely and get things done. I need breaks to see friends and be in the company of people who I like. I tried to draw some stuff but it's just not there. I have no energy to draw on. Nobody cares, "just power through," and all that stuff. I don't want to "power through," I want to have friends. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo The Amazing Spider-Man, No. 9 by Steve Ditko with Stan Lee. Read this one yesterday. Old comic books are better. More earnest, unselfconscious, unpretentious. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I'm an angry grouch who drives people away. I don't even know how I would go about changing that. I try to be nice and pleasant but then people just feel free to ignore me completely. Every weekend ends and I say to myself "okay a new start: be positive, put good energy out there." And every time, nobody will care what I say until I lose my temper and start being negative again. And then people ignore me again. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I'm sick of every thing that I try to do being undermined by outside forces. Nobody wants to talk about artcomics so I talk about superhero comics. So then, everybody has an opinion about how Marvel and DC (MDC) are evil (they are) and how we should boycott them and blah blah blah...but those are the only comics that anybody will ever talk about. I have tried. I have tried to talk about artcomics and webcomics and all the nice things but nobody cares. It isn't an opinion, it's an observed reality. I like to talk about things with people so why did I join the least communicative community ever created? Even poetry is better than artcomics because the readings force poets and enthusiasts to physically and socially interact. What's the point in doing something if nobody will ever want to interact with it or share their feelings about it or admit that they have feelings about it? What is the point? xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo From Tony Benedict's archive tonytunes.tumblr.com The loneliness of comics is intolerable. In animation at least there is a need to cooperate and thus, people have some level of social interaction. I chose the wrong medium to be in love with. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo This is a really rough drawing of Marceline, my favorite character from Pendleton Ward's Adventure Time. One of my incredibly-favorite cartoonists, Meredith Gran is doing a comic book series about Marceline and I'm really charmed by it. Not really comfortable with digital drawing yet. I like the digital penciling tools in Manga Studio, but inking is such an incredible labor for me in the exact same program. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo These are some storyboards by Alex Toth. Master of comic books and no slouch in the animation business, Toth is the one who I go to when I have lost all other inspiration. That is a good summation. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Chris Bachalo draws Wolverine and the X-Men. Jason Aaron writes it. Good that Marvel Comics finally admits what Bryan Singer so slyly put into his X-Men films. Magneto to Wolverine: "once again, you think it's all about you." xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Speaking of which, this is a drawing that I did of Marvel Girl from the original X-Men. She isn't skinny, I drew her backlit and then I dropped out her form contour outlines, hoping to give her a "hazy" look. I don't know why. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo I'm a sucker for a good subway ad defacement. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Never found out what Bane's deal was with always grabbing his collar like that. It looked cool and really creepy/unusual. Confidence and eccentricity. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo "Beautiful Monster," by me. This is one of my Little Garden comics and one reason why I'm usually pretty disappointed in myself. I was on the right track, for what I want but I feel so worn down by life and my responsibilities. I know that nobody cares, everybody says "power through, if you were serious you'd just do it." Everybody has those judgements. If it was that simple, nobody would ever feel crushed and defeated. If it was that simple. -Ayo2012xoxo. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 14th, 2012
10:50 am	Hanna-Barbera Studios Quick way to simultaneously inspire and depress is to remind oneself of how the popular arts used to function. Here are some images from http://tonytoons.tumblr.com illustrating the people and atmosphere of 1950s-1960s Hanna-Barbera studios. I tried to find a similar photographic resource for images of Marvel Comics' world-famous Bullpen of the 1960s but so far I am unsuccessful. In the image above, we see Tony Benedict and Joe Barbera discussing the storyboards. This is my personal favorite part of the creative process for my comics but I don't know if storyboards are considered vital among comic book makers. I like being able to break a comic down to its cellular components and work on its shape and pace and style after an initial conception phase. That is the stage in comics where my mind is at its most active. This man created Jonny Quest. Doug Wildey. It's so inspiring to me to look at these people creating cartoons in offices rather than hunched over in decrepit urban apartment homes, in a corner listening to a clock radio with Cup O' Noodles wedged between their legs. People casually went to work at a place and in this place those people had the tools and space to work comfortably. Sue Sommers, identified on Tony's blog only as "painter." We see that she appears to be painting the lush backgrounds that were common in animation back in the days. Personally I wish that mainstream comic books would employ background artists. Much like Gerhard of the comic book Cerebus had the duty of crafting a world for Dave Sim's figures to dance upon and throughout, I am of the opinion that this sort of artist is sorely needed in today's comic book creation cycle. Particularly now that computers allow for so much layering and editing, it seems like it would help Marvel and DC comics achieve that veracity that they strive for. Tony Benedict again, this time taking a break to enjoy some literature and learn about the news of the day. A cosmopolitan and studious lot, these animators. As I look at these photos (this one is actually Tony working at Disney) I feel a link between their workspaces and my day job office. I work in a large cubicle bullpen. These cubicles fit four workspaces, though my cubicle seats three. The fourth space is occupied by one of our printers. Apart from the fact that I don't like my job, the workspace is highly comfortable. There is ample desktop space, there are personal and public filing drawers. There is room to walk and room to lean back and stretch. Truly, every sedentary job should be similar to this. The walls are low so that you can see your peers by standing up but they are high enough that you can concentrate when you sit down. Also, you can pin papers to the cubicle walls. I would love to draw comics in my office. All we would need are those tabletop drafting boards and we would be set. Finally, two unidentified animation artists. This pumps me up like you wouldn't believe. Just cranking out cartoons without fame, without glory, just coming to work and getting stuff done. In comic books, there is a bit of local celebrity that goes with the craft and the business. Somehow I think that there is a good amount to be said for simply grinding out work and getting paid for it. Obviously I can't know if these people were happy or if they are happy (or alive). I am projecting onto them a longing for a sort of professional-class/working-class determination to simply do a job and do it well. Anyway, have a nice day, -Ayo2012xoxo. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 11th, 2012
10:34 am	Mood music Man, the music at the coffeehouse had me bummed out. I was walking down the street all working hard for the money and taking the highway to the Danger Zone and then Mopey McBarista decided to blast the Captain Bumout greatest hits. Really had me sitting there and Feeling Emotions. Had to listen to it because it drowned out my headphones which put up a good fight for the cause (1980s dance pop) but I was defeated. When I left the place, I was back in action, but the Status Down effect from that crappy music completely sidelined my attempts at drawing. I dedicate the rest of today to pop music, having fun and dancing away your troubles. Death to mope-rock! -Ayo Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (Comment on this)
8:02 am	Hermit For some reason I woke up at 11:00pm which means that I slept all evening. I surrendered and signed up for OkCupid. Terrible, awful stuff. I closed my account a couple of months ago and then there I was, OkCupiding again. The other day, I downloaded a pixel-based drawing app for the iPhone and I did some cute doodles like the one above. I love pixel art so dearly. I love romance as well. If I can't have one then I may as well have the other! Hanging out with really chill couples is reassuring for a potential future but in general, it seems a reminder of my grim life these days. These years. Three and a half years since my last feeble, short-lived relationship. I hit 30 last autumn and nobody cared. What a life, I say. xoxoxoxoxoxo Too much Internet, too much twitter, too much tumblr. Not enough human talking. I see my best friends once a week at best. I pour my heart out on social tools that were only designed to tell jokes. It is pathetic and I know it. People look at what I'm up to and see a frantic, deteriorating hollow man and they back away and focus on their endeavors. I don't blame them, to be honest. Even modernity is my enemy; my computer is basically Internet-lobotomized and my smartphone is my only method of human contact. Shaggy-haired prisoner frantically tying notes to a pigeon's leg. Marvel and DC Comics' respective business practices have made both companies basically unsuitable to be mentioned in polite company, at least in my circles. So one of the main things that entertain me has to be kept to myself just like everything else. People don't even talk about webcomics in public anymore because everybody makes webcomics of their own. Nobody ever wants to talk about comics, but comics is the thing we all have in common. I'm so tired of all of it. Doesn't anybody read comics and get so excited about them that they have to grab their friend? Doesn't anybody want to stay up until midnight talking about the storytelling techniques in Casanova or the character building in Octopus Pie? The music in this coffeehouse is too loud. And it is also unfortunate. xoxoxoxoxoxo Every time I piss somebody off on the Internet it's because at my heart there's an emptiness, a hollowness, a loneliness. I don't have anything else but my own convictions. Guilty. I want to be a better person, I want to be able to let things go. Most importantly I want to be able to talk to people who actually like me and who actually want to talk to me about at least some of the things that I care about. Life as a cartoonist is harsh and it's worse still if you don't have a tight group to lean on. This feels like I'm insulting my friends but I'm not. They are busy. Always busy and I am so often alone. It's nobody's fault I suppose but I am always the one left over, the single odd man out. My life is a nightmare. I will never casually hang out with anybody. I would like to but it never happens. Worst of all, I can't bury myself in my art. I just have nothing to pull from. The only stories that I feel inspired by are stories of people--of relationships. Things that are just faintly a part of my current existence. The music in this coffeehouse is too loud. I can't think. Even that much is beyond me right now. -Ayo Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 9th, 2012
10:52 am	"I'm yawning as I wake up to the early morning gunfire; another day, another scar to acquire." By Ayo "She works hard for the money" Donna Summer This song was in my head when I woke up and I wrote out 70% of a story all at once. Thank you, Ms. Summer. Monday morning is grind time. Monday is the greatest day of the week, it is the time when you establish what's going to happen and how hard you are going to roll all week. This morning I have established that I am going to roll harder than a roll of quarters. xoxoxoxoxoxo "All the things she said" T.A.T.U. Remember the Russian pop kids who had all of one hit song? This single is crack. If you are capable of listening to this less than seventy times in a row you're a better man than I. xoxoxoxoxoxo "Metal Thangz" FT, with OC and Pharoahe Monch An underground rap single that failed to launch FT's career but earned Pharoahe Monch the "Hip Hop Quotable" in THE SOURCE magazine for his verse. This is my first real exposure to Pharoahe Monch who is on my short list for best technical rappers of all time. Monch is ridiculous. Rappers who get on a song with him can usually only hope to hang onto their dignity. His collaborations have left luminaries in the dust from Mos Def to Canibus to Black Thought. xoxoxoxoxoxo Gusto A+ with Prodigy from Mobb Deep Quiet as kept, this is one of Prodigy's best performances which is a major statement if you are familiar with P's work. The entire album THE INFAMOUS... by Mobb Deep is one of Prodigy's best performances. One of the best performances by any rapper ever. That said, this song "Gusto" for fourteen-year-old rapper A+'s THE LATCH-KEY CHILD is one of those rare brain-busting songs that you knew that nobody would hear but you. A+ was nothing but a gimmick kid rapper and Prodigy agreed to do a song with him mostly because they are from the same town. But P held nothing back, writing two verses that rival the work he put in for his own HELL ON EARTH album which came out the same year. This song shaped my mentality toward collaborative work. When I read comic book anthologies and see top-brand-name cartoonists sending in experimental work, cast off work, I feel terribly disappointed. Their names sell the anthologies but they let their readers down with sloppy half-hearted work. "There's many different levels of the criminal mind/either you're in it for the gusto or wasting your time." Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Anders Nielson. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. (1 Comment |Comment on this)